This isn't to say that I'm joyless and gloomy all the time. I do seek out joy and I have moments of happiness that are so true, they make me cry. But this is not the same as play.
Why am I not playful? I have been thinking about this. A part of play is about trust. You have to trust the ones you are playing with, and you have to trust yourself to let go. I am a control freak and I realize that this part of play is difficult for me. I am afraid of being laughed at or embarrassing myself. My discomfort at embarrasment is so deep that I can barely watch a movie or television show where I know a character is about to be embarrassed. The times I have been embarrassed at my own behavior, I relive in my head, trying to figure out a way that I could fix it or explain it away.
I wonder if I can work on this. Maybe learning to play would help me in other places: letting go as a writer, that sort of thing. Can this be my first resolution for 2012, to be better at play?
2 comments:
Oh pshaw - let's all stay away from the "you are" staments followed by praise or condemnation. It's antithetical to an invitation to engage, let alone in play. Play is what leaves one unbound to what otherwise bedevils us - one man's play is another man's (woman's) burden. I don't think Madame Curie necessarily splashed in Spring puddles.
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