Protection

Today someone asked me if I had ever had my heart broken. (I know it sounds weird -- how does something like that come up in a conversation, but it was actually fine.) I said that of course I had had my heart broken. And I think I have. At least a little bit. But maybe only a little bit.

I've been thinking about the times I'd say that my heart was broken. First of all, I can't think of a time I was really heartbroken after the age of about 18. When I think of the boys who broke my heart, even a little bit, I think of the crush I had my sophomore year of high school or the guy who dumped me for my best friend. And when I think of being heartbroken, I think of moments, not periods in my live. I remember feeling bad for a day, maybe a few, but not much more than that. Weeks of heartbreak, well, that's never happened to me. 

Was it really heartbreak?

It all comes back to that control issue I have. Of course it does; I'm not an idiot. The boyfriends I chose, they gave me a lot of the control in the relationship. It's so much easier when I'm in charge of where things are going. To have the upper hand. It was also easier to keep people at a bit of a distance. 

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like just to throw myself completely into a relationship. Would have it been wonderful? Would it have been exciting and fantastic and life-altering? Would it have destroyed me when it ended? Would I have ever stopped crying?

Would it have broken my heart?